Dear Future Babies Daddy...

take note.
100% Chocolate Cafe

TREND REPORT SUMMER 2008: Daring Denim: The Euro Man-Jeans

Dear British Women,
Seriously...help a brother out.

In Jesus' Name, Mary Beth

Catching Up With Old Friends on Facebook = Entertaining

Daniel
Which makes me think....
are you "Aunt Mary" yet?

Mary Beth
yup i am...

…and i'm a mom.

Daniel
I just did a double take
wait- you HAVE a kid?

Mary Beth
yes
2

Daniel
You have 2 kids?!?!?!
A flood of questions comes to mind too
So you'll have to forgive me

Mary Beth
i had a rough college life

Daniel
You just messing with me?
You are aren't you

Mary Beth
wow

Daniel
wow what?

Mary Beth
my kids are great

Daniel
ok- I believe that
It confused me because it seems as if everybody who has kids on FB has a ton of pictures up of them.

Mary Beth
...mine just aren’t that cute.

Ignorance is Bliss

When I moved to the UK, sans T.V., a little conversation was had between myself and I expressing the importance of keeping up-to-date with current events. That's what smart Americans do...

...I've always hated it when people tell me what to do.
Even when it's myself that's doing the telling.

which is why My History looks something like this:



...and not like this:



However, it's Thursday morning...about time I get on track and check me out some headline news.
All robed up with my cuppa instant coffee, I'm all ready for my grown-up morning regimen.

CNN Headline:


And...I'm taking a ferry to Amsterdam next weekend...

Lovely People and...Parsnips

I've never in my life experienced the pure delight of a parsnip. It’s sort of like a potato and a carrot in one. Imagine that.
An exclusive British vegetable…I decided to throw it into the Roast Chicken…Martha told me to do it.

Mindful of the fact that the vitamin C and foliate in parsnips reduce the risk of cancer, I decided my four guests could afford to enjoy some southern comfort food. Five Cheese Macaroni & Cheese…additional energy for the cancer fight.

Menu
Primary Dish:
Apricot Roast Chicken with Vegetables & Thyme
Five Cheese Macaroni & Cheese (aka. Heart Disease in a Pan)

Dessert:
Baked Apples w/ Spiced Ricotta and Maple Syrup

High Scores from all three…(Marlene, are you reading this?)

The Masterpiece

James, Heather, & Angie

Golden to Perfection. Thanks Martha!

American Words...Supposedly

After being laughed at for asking for a sponge easel,
(they call them 'sticky pads' over here...eww)
I asked my team to give me some typical American words.

This is the list that they came up with:

aluminum
elevator
swell
Iraq...(they're such comedians)
tomato
good job
sure
geez
semi
nitch
oregano
whatever
cool
jelly

Why?

Meet Angie (aka. Vana)

Angie is displaying the wide array of American food product available here in the UK. Froot Loops, Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix and Syrup, Betty Crocker Potato Buds, Jolly Time Pop Corn, and Smuckers Squeezable Grape Jelly.

Choose one…for the reasonable price of eight quid = $16.
If I remember, Froot Loops didn’t taste any good at $3 a box.
Tempting…not so much.

Imagine you find a massive pot of gold…and diamonds…I love diamonds.
You approach the treasure with excitement…and just as you are about to dig your fingers into the golden goodness, a little dirty imp turns the pot of gold into green, foul…muck.
That’s how I felt in this moment.

Bring on the Oreo’s and the Blue Bell people…
Mamma Mary is soo over the fish and chips.

Top Ten Life Adjustments (that come w/ moving to a foreign country)

1. Instant Coffee...is not the best part of waking up.

2. I do not own a microwave...leftover spaghetti re-heated in the oven sort of tastes like chow mein noodles.

3. i do not own a television...who wants to pay a television tax for re-runs of Beauty and the Geek? Really?

4. I do not own a car...Walk up the mountain on foot w/ my staff and flock of sheep.

5. Washer/Dryer combo...= crunchy clothes...I might as well stick them in the oven to dry...like my leftover pasta.

6. Planning Ahead! It takes ages to get from point A to point B...and you never know if the trains are going to be delayed.

7. Always having to question...wait...is he gay? or are jeans with crazy snaps up the side in fashion over here...?

8. Celcius= (5/9)x(Fahrenheit-32)...So, pretty much I set the oven to whatever and hope it turns out looking ok.

9. Wearing a head mask to bed. Sunrise = 4:42am...Sunset = 9:21pm

10. Most Important Accessory...lipgloss. Pssh...yeah right. In the UK, it's always your umbrella.

English Mystery Man Numero Dos: The Hot Neighbor Man

Mystery Man Numero Dos: The Hot Neighbor Man

Sighting:
Walking towards the building from work(w/ my handy incognito sunglasses on...someone doesn't know that I'm looking right at them...yummy). He was watering his plants on the balcony...in the flat NEXT to mine.

DANGER...Mystery Men must be kept at a distance!
(Note to self: Never let the sugar run low)

Physical Description:
FIT. Dirty blond hair. Tall. Easy on the eyes, my friends.

Eye Contact:
Negative...not even a glance.

Conversation:
Negs

MB Man Rating:
8.9...docked .3 points
It was the shirt. Too tight for my liking. Oh, and the shorts...lil' too short. I don't like where this is going...

Assumption: (do I really have to go there?)
I'm afraid this one may like the boys as much as I do...as he was...watering his plants.
Or...or...maybe he's a Botanist...or a...vegetarian?

Skipton Castle Ranger

In an attempt to save face, I decided that it was necessary to stop the embarrassing cycle of confusing churches for castles…by going to see a real, live Castle.

My buddy Neil and I took a road trip through West Yorkshire to explore dun dun dun Skipton Castle.

"Hark now, methinks I do hear the sweet sound of me lass mowing the green...”
“…without his shirt on."
That's something that I would say if I lived in a castle.

The rest of the pictures are on the link to the right…

High Tea and Castles...yesss.

Life is rough in the dungeon. I just want to go eat some hen with the Lord.

work it Neil...dance for Jesus...it's Father's Day

Love this car...Sugar Daddy where are you?

That's no church my friends.

The Little Village of Gnomes

Is it OK...

...if I continue to mention that it was my birthday...like, two weeks ago?

Golden Child syndrome...love me.

I just discovered two birthday shout outs that my dear friends, Amanda and Laura, posted on their blogs (they're the best!): Laura http://ohforheavencakes.blogspot.com/ and Amanda http://kickyourboots.blogspot.com/

...and you want to hear something even more special? They both sent me cards (Hallmark, no less).

Here's a sample of Amanda's stellar poetry. She's so talented.

Birthday Poem
By: Miss Amanda from Texas

* please read this poem in an English accent, as that's how it was written.

Mary Beth, of whom I'm very fond,
packed her bags and moved across the pond.
She has no car, must instead walk uphill,
But maybe she'll meet and marry Prince Will!
Without her here, I feel like such a mess,
and can't wait til' July...I'll see her in a bridesmaid dress.
Until then I wish for her a best friend who is gay,
and want her to have a very great Birthday!

Meet My Family.

...minus Mike, Michelle, and little Michael.

We are all M's: Mike, Marlene, Mike, Matt, Mark, Monica, and...Mary Beth.
...and, yes, we are all still confused as to why Mike and Marlene thought that was a good idea.

This is how we communicate.

iChat has made 5,000 miles seem like nothing.
I don’t even have to miss out on Sunday dinners…that’s always the together time that I miss most while I’m away.

“Want some beanths (beans with a lisp)?”
If you want the beans passed at the Koeth house…you have to say it…it’s formal procedure.
Marlene doesn’t like that custom b/c it all started when the Grandy’s guy in the school cafeteria (aka. Beanths Boy) asked if I wanted some “beanths?”
I’d respond with a polite, “excuse me?”…just so I could hear him say it again…and sometimes again.

Oh, how I hated corn days. Boooring.

Now on Sunday’s, before Marlene dishes out dessert…its family time with the Golden Child. Via webcam.
Who needs dessert when you can get pure, satisfying entertainment right in Mom & Dad’s computer room?

Our conversations always go something like this:

Marlene talks, there’s Grandma with a perpetual smile glued to her face (and it gets even bigger when I smile and she thinks I’m looking at her…and I totally always am b/c she’s so darn cute…), Dad gets midway through his ‘wise advice’ offering when Marlene interjects with a pressing question that she's just thought up. Monica, Glen, Mark, Matt and Cristina make funny faces and vulgar gestures in the background. Useless. And, on occasion, Sammy and Shiner will do a quick doggy-drive-by. That always makes me happy…almost as much as the Beanths Boy.

Molding.

I asked for 'porridge' this morning.
"I'll have...um...porridge"
"please."

Last time I asked for oatmeal, I got laughed at.

Breakfast...and Boobs

Anyone fancy an extra dirty breakfast?

No worries.
Just dine in The Crown Room and pick up your latest issue of 'Nuts'...
Bagels and Boobs at your place of employment…only in Europe.

I’m wearing turtle necks to work from now on.

The Car Search

Welcome to the midget car lot.
My name is Mary Beth and I am no midge.

Is it ok to look for a car when you haven’t yet grasped the pedestrian walking rules?

My walk home (down the mountain) from work on Friday (in heels) was a time to reflect on that very question.
Ok really, there was no reflection involved…more grumbling and moaning due to the massive blister that was forming on the underside of my human paws.
Feet are the attachments that I used to have.
Now...paws…with colored toenails.
Sexy.

And so…the car search begins.

Here are some of the brands that I've looked at:
Alfa Romeo...sounds like an Italian pimp

Citroen...yum…pour me one of those

Fiat... what are you trying to say?

Renault... sorta like the famous painter?

Peugeot... does that mean pigeon in French?

Skoda... thanks, but I’ve moved on to Smirnoff

Vauxhall... no, I haven’t been there

UK driving will never be the same. I apologize in advance.

Emergency Slim Down

What is it with morning workouts?

Alarm goes off.
Eyes open a smidge, and the little voice in your head automatically says...yeah...not this morning.

American diet dilemma that I’m trying ever-so-hard to avoid: Fitting into my bridesmaid dress for my best friend’s wedding in July.

Conversation with woman at Lulu’s Bridal Boutique (flashback to January):
Sales assistant: "Ok Mary Beth, which size did you decide on?"

Me: "Well...I know I'll be walking a lot and will most likely drop some weight...yeah...so let's go with the size_. Crap...that makes me nervous..."

Sales assistant: "Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine. (big assuring smile) I'll put you on the sheet as "losing weight"

Me: "Stephanie isn't going to see that is she?..."

Am I really eating lunch right now?...

English diet dilemma: Afternoon chocolate breaks. Have you ever heard of such a thing?
Chocolate Breaks = Chocolate Cheeks

Past Behavior (as of today):
Evil tempter: "Anyone for a chocolate or can? (coke)"

Me: "Um...yes please. Time for my afternoon date with Crunchie. Hells to the yeah."

Fatty.

New Behavior: Resort to wearing my iPod at the time of temptation.
What? Chocolate break? I didn't even hear you.

The only pounds I'm losing over here are the ones in my bank account...
Challenge is ON, Lulu's. It's all about the dress. It's all about the dress. Bloke in the truck is going to like it, but it's all about the dress.

Words of Wisdom From the Brits

As I begin the wrinkle accumulating process that comes with 26, I'd like to share a few wise words that I received in my mid-twenties from the folks over in these here parts...
{Question} If you were to give a 25 year old girl your best piece of life advice, about anything, what would it be?

"Don't date any wankers." -Martin P.

"Grow Up!" -Steve

"Don't settle down until you're thirty." -Doug H.

"Always go with what your gut tells you." -Rachel G.

"Always keep your debt manageable. Anything worth having, is worth waiting for." -Sue H.

"Never regret what you've done. Only what you haven't done." -Emma G.

"A smile opens more doors." -Neil S.

...I don't think I'll ever stop asking that question.

The responses that people share not only warm my heart (and make me laugh), but also bring to light the amazing individuals that I'm surrounded by...all over the world.

Thank you for all of your birthday wishes!
Even though I'm old, I know that I'm one lucky girl.

English Mystery Man Number One: The Bloke in the Truck

Have you ever run into a member of the opposite sex (or same sex...don't want to leave anyone out here) that kinda/sorta took your breath away without a single word being…or needing to be…said?

I certainly have…

I call them Mystery Men.

A Mystery Man is someone who is admired from a distance.
A woman must keep her mystery man at a distance for fear that the idea of him would be busted if a conversation was actually exchanged. You get to see all of him…thank you Father Jesus…and the rest of him (intelligence, sense of humor, maturity, relationship status, everything that really means anything) is whatever you want it to be.
It’s my absolute, favorite game.
The sheep in England are really sweet to look at, but come on, a girl needs herself a lil’ more manliness and less fluff.

with that being said...
I have found myself Mystery Man Numero Uno:
The Hot Bloke in the Truck

Sighting:
I've seen him two times on my walk to work. (have I mentioned I walk an hour to work?...that's another story) He drives a grey truck.

Physical Description:
Brown hair (Matt Damon style), Adorned with sunglasses...even when it's grey outside...like his truck.

Eye Contact:
check (both times)
head turn in sunglasses = eye contact

Conversation:
negative

MB Man Rating:
niner...from what I've seen in the .2 seconds in passing.
Possible midge, but in my head he's right at 6'3

Assumptions:
Possibly an Aussie, or a non-Brit...no one here really drives a truck.
Whatever he is, I hope he comes with an accent.